Introduction to organizational culture (not) just for marketers.
The fact is that we spend more time at our workplace than at home with our family or friends. The quality of the time spent matters, so it is completely justified to seek out responsible parties in your workplace environment when you are feeling down or frustrated. Here are some suggestions that will definitely make your colleagues' lives hell.
1.) Have others do your work!
Pay special attention during teamwork to continuously „crutch” your tasks for others. Try to delegate all your tasks ("This actually doesn't belong to me") and send reminder emails daily about what you expect from whom, so you can finally work efficiently too! You can enhance the effect by breaking down your tasks into subtasks and assigning those as well.
2.) Don't help others, and never ask for help!
The best scenario is to keep all information to yourself. If you are forced to share anything with your colleagues, always reveal only half of what you know. (Perhaps misinform). Remember: information is power! If you get stuck with your own work, it can only happen because others are bothered by how good an employee you are.
3.) Be cynical and troll!
Every project becomes exciting if you sharply criticize it in detail from the very beginning. Say often that you don't believe in product development, deadlines, research results, and you don't like the creative (never reveal why, or if you do, let your arguments be purely subjective, e.g., „This is crap”). If the project is truly good and viable, at least it will go through the fire test early on. Remember: The palm tree grows under pressure! With effective trolling, you can make your colleagues tone down their completely unnecessary cheerfulness.
4.) Bring your private life to work! Be yourself!
Feel free to test how your colleagues handle your mood swings! Brazilian soap opera for every workplace! Don't hold back: use the hallway, the offices, the reception, the meeting room, the internal mail systems if your scissors are missing, or if you feel the fridge is crowded, if the dishes aren't washed, or if the new colleagues don't say goodbye loudly enough! Ensure the free flow of information in the most important communication areas (kitchen and the vicinity of the photocopier).
5.) Avoid unnecessary politeness circles with colleagues and partners!
When writing an email, use UPPERCASE HIGHLIGHTS, and don't forget to use a mass of question marks/exclamation marks!!!!! It is important to continuously update the subject of the email, and don't forget that in case of any disputed issues, you should include all the heads of the relevant departments in the correspondence. If the partner makes a spelling mistake, be sure to correct it (with the most visible highlight possible). Do not modify the mailing list, let everyone learn from the mistake.
6.) Argue with everyone about everything!
Unfortunately, the view that others can also be right has spread, and it is worth eradicating it root and branch. In meetings or conferences, laugh at or try to shame anyone who is too enthusiastic and brings unreasonable ideas. Try to smile sarcastically and argue why this is definitely nonsense. It is important to refute with vague, incomprehensible, and unverifiable data, explanations, and unverifiable research results. Often, a good keyword is enough: call others' ideas sweaty, boring, used by others for ages, possibly dangerous, or doomed to failure from the start.
7.) Show that you are the only multitasking professional in the company!
Make it clear to everyone that a trained and experienced professional like you knows everything (AS WELL)! To do this, comment on legal, controlling, and marketing materials, but strive for humility („in my humble opinion,” „...although my learned colleagues for some reason did not notice...„)
8.) Hold your colleagues accountable for their time management!
Do not doubt that only you effectively fill your entire working hours! Don't forget to convey how tired you are, as you are working for others as well. Look shocked and disgusted at those who are preparing for vacation, as you can never get there, because then the company would meet the fate of Atlantis. Mention it if you feel that your colleague arrives late or leaves early (most likely they are going to their lover on the 2nd floor).
9.) Complain to everyone about everything!
Let the whole company know that you are overworked and exploited, living on a low salary, and despite that, you carry the company on your shoulders, even though neither your abilities nor your knowledge are recognized. All this, of course, under terrible working conditions. („Meanwhile, in the office building across the street, the elevator is made of gold.”)
10.) Are you a leader? Act like a despot!
If you ask for something, do it in a way that is easily decodable for everyone. Emphasize that THIS IS ONLY YOUR thought, idea, suggestion, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO be implemented at all, it is really JUST a suggestion… this way you can effectively shorten the time spent on joint thinking or brainstorming, and as a result, save time and energy for your colleagues.
See? This is how it should be done. There’s nothing complicated about it.
„The competitors? We can outpace them anytime! If we can just step beyond our own shadow.” F.L.
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